When the Husband Does Not Want to Home Educate….

I have been thinking about home education and marriage. There are some challenges in marriage that only arise when couples begin to consider home education and one is the situation whereby a wife is desperate to home educate and the husband is 100% against the idea.

 

Ultimately, the husband is the head of his family and where there might be some situations where the only right thing to do is for the wife to go against her husband’s wishes (if he is asking her to disobey God), I do not think this is one of them. Since the husband is to lead his family, he is accountable to God for the decisions that he makes regarding the education of his children. It would not be right (nor would it be practical) for the wife to press on regardless.

 

Nonetheless I do think there is a scriptural precedent for the wife to make a case for home education on one occasion. In order to show this, I would ask you to consider the example of Esther.

 

Esther was a godly woman who was married to a foolish man. King Ahasuerus was proud, easily-angered and rash in his decision-making. As the narrative unfolds, his weak character is further revealed when he is easily-manipulated by Haman into agreeing to a law that would destroy the Jewish people. At no point am I equating a husband who is against home education with this man! What I am trying to show is that God sometimes uses a godly wife as the means by which a husband changes his mind on an issue. Perhaps we can learn from her.

 

There are two short portraits in Proverbs of the wife who is continually nagging and complaining to her husband. He is described as finding it easier to live on the corner of a roof or in a dessert than to be with her (Proverbs 21:9, 19). We have all seen the situation where a wife is endlessly berating her husband. Nothing he ever says or does is right and as she starts to complain about yet another one of his character flaws he simply switches off! When something really important does come up, then the wife has already lost the battle. He has formed the habit of not paying any attention to a word that she says.

It is plain that Esther is submissive in the way that she responds to those in authority over her. When she goes into the king for the first time, after the period of beautification has taken place, she only takes in with her what the chief Eunuch advises (Esther 2:15). When her cousin Mordecai (who raised her) tells her not to reveal that she is from the Jewish people, she obeys him accordingly (Esther 2:20).

 

It does pay to ask ourselves whether we are continually picking battles with our husbands, or whether as a general rule, we accept his decisions? Do we make life difficult for him by arguing about every minor decision so that when we really do want to make a point about an important issue, we have already lost the discussion?

 

Mordecai discovers a plot by two of the king’s eunuchs against the king. He tells Esther what he has heard and she informs the king. Presumably, she could have kept quiet. If she had a vendetta against her husband, perhaps she might have chosen to do so. Instead, she uses the knowledge that she has to do him some good and save his life.

I wonder how often we intentionally do our husbands good? Does he feel as though he is already at the back of the line behind children, the wider family, church and friends? Does he assume that home educating will only leave him to feel more neglected?

 

What does doing our husband some good look like? I think it looks like some thoughtfulness. It means we cook his favourite food sometimes, we complement him on his appearance, we run errands without complaining and we try to relieve him of little jobs that he might think he has to do. It means that our husband is in pole position for our attention and not hoping for a few crumbs of our tiredness at the end of the day. It means he is glad to see us (as Ahasuerus is glad to see Esther and welcomes her into his court).

 

When Esther realises that she must petition the king on behalf of her people, she realises she might forfeit her life. She asks Mordecai and the Jews of Susa to pray and fast with her. Now, Esther was in the situation where all her people knew that calamity was imminent and it was right to ask them to pray with her. We need to be deeply respectful of our husbands and very careful about what we are saying to other people about them. It might be more appropriate to pray privately and in secret, rather than broadcasting the problem to all our friends. The point I am trying to make is that we pray before we petition.

 

Esther enters before the king and her life is spared. She does not ask the king now for the pardon of her people, instead she invites him to a feast. On the second day of feasting, after he is relaxed and in a good mood, she finally requests that her people be spared.

 

What can we learn from this? Sometimes it makes sense to wait until our husband is in a good mood before we bring up a tricky situation! Often husbands return home from work at the end of the day to a torrent of a wife’s frustration over all the minor disappointments of the day. In truth, he is probably tired, hungry and battling his own concerns. Is there a better time to raise sensitive topics? I’m sure this varies from husband to husband, but it is worth some consideration.

 

Now, I know I am tentatively venturing into what is to me unknown territory. Simon (my husband) was the one who suggested home education all those years ago and he has backed me all the way. I do not take this for granted. Nevertheless, the action of raising tricky topics in general is something that all wives have to negotiate. I think some of the lessons we can learn from Esther can be applied much more broadly than to the topic of home education.

 

I am, of course, not guaranteeing a positive outcome. However, if we have prayerfully and humbly asked our husband to consider home education on one occasion and if he has ruled against it, then the wise woman will leave the topic in the hands of the Lord. We honour God by responding with uncomplaining hearts and we continue to pray that God will work to save our children. Perhaps the example of our humble submission to our husband might even be the means by which he accomplishes the great work of salvation in their lives. We can only do what we can do.