God is interested in the means. What do I mean by that? I mean that just because a good result is achieved, it does not mean that the steps taken to achieve it are pleasing to God. In Genesis 25:23 the Lord tells Rebecca that her older son, Esau, will serve her younger son, Jacob. Several chapters later, Rebecca and Jacob take matters into their own hands and trick Isaac into blessing Jacob instead of Esau. The right outcome is achieved, but the wrong actions taken mean that Jacob has to run for his life.

At Meribah, God commands Moses to speak to the rock in order that it yield water for the thirsty, quarrelling Israelites (Numbers 20:8). When Moses strikes the rock with his staff instead, water still comes gushing out but Moses is not allowed to enter the promised land as a consequence of his disobedience (Numbers 20:12).

It is so easy to parent by pragmatism. Pragmatism is looking at the consequences and deciding, based on a positive outcome, that the means are justifiable and defensible. It confuses who is accountable for what before God. Our child may love Christ wholeheartedly, but this does not mean that we as parents are justified in all the actions we have taken in bringing him up. Ultimately, our child is responsible before God for the state of his soul. We are accountable for how faithfully we shared the gospel with him, as well as a whole host of other decisions and actions, large and small.

Pragmatism creeps in with us barely recognising it and I want to highlight three areas where we need to stay alert.

1. Discipline

Think how easy it is over the course of the day to ignore bad behaviour for the sake of peace. It is morning and I am teaching maths to my six-year-old. Meanwhile, my four-year-old demands a toy from one of the older children. The pragmatic course of action would be to ask my older child to give the younger child the toy. The little one gets what she wants. The older child is probably not going to make a huge fuss and I continue teaching maths with no more disturbance. Victory? Absolutely not. Proverbs says that ‘a child left to himself brings shame to his mother’ (Proverbs 29:15). It also says, ‘Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will give delight to your heart.’ (Proverbs 29:17). To constantly give a small child her own way teaches the whole household that this child is the queen, and that God is not the king. How easy it is to continually overlook minor upsets for the sake a smoothly-running day.

2. Family Worship

The fact is that most Christians in our churches grew up without family worship. A great case could be made that family worship is unnecessary since large numbers of people are converted anyway and it is certainly much easier to go with the status quo. Beginning the habit of family worship takes some humility on the part of the parents (particularly for the husband if he is taking his role seriously as head of the household). Older children may feel awkward at first and finding regular time together can be in an obstacle in itself. If salvation happens in the absence of family worship, then why bother?

The answer is that it is necessary because it is right in the Lord’s eyes. Family worship is required by Scripture: consider Abraham (Gen 18-19), Joshua (Josh 24:15) and Cornelius (Acts 10:1). For 2000 years the church practiced family worship and our generation is the one that has departed from this discipline. The 1689 London Baptist Confession of Faith has stern words for those who neglect family worship, ‘And verily there is one spring and cause of the decay of religion in our day…; and that is the neglect of the worship of God in families, by those to whom the charge and conduct of them is committed. May not the gross ignorance, and instability of many; with the profaneness of others, be justly charged upon their parents and masters; who have not trained them up in the way wherein they ought to walk when they were young?’

3. Christian Education

Nowhere do I observe greater examples of pragmatism in parenting than in the issue of Christian education. The truth is that many children from Christian families go through the school system and emerge as believers (it is also true that many do not). These believing children are often held up as examples as to why state education is completely harmless. Nevertheless, the truth is that these children did not become believers BECAUSE OF the education system, but that they became believers IN SPITE OF the education system (due to another witness in their lives). It is also true that there are some children who are given a Christian education and emerge rejecting the faith of their parents. The question is not which method gets the best results. The question is: what does the Bible say about education and are we faithful to be obedient and leave the results to God?

Briefly, education is about discipleship. Luke 6:40 says, ‘A disciple is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.’ Children who go through the government school system may be taught by many teachers. Perhaps one or two of these teachers will even be believers. However, the fact is that for most of the time, school children will be learning the values of the state.

An adult with a firm grounding in scripture may well attend classes where ungodly values are taught and be able to divide between the good and the bad. However, children are in their formative, impressionable years. It is naive to think that worldly philosophies, consistently taught over a long period of time will make no impression on them.

As I become more alert to the pragmatic decisions that I make in my busy household, I am encouraged that my job is to be faithful to God’s commands and to leave the results in his hand.