The only parents who never have a problem with squabbling children are the parents of one child. There, do you feel better already?! If our children squabble then they are in good company; think Cain and Abel, think Joseph and his brothers ‘Do not quarrel on the way’ (Gen 45:24). All siblings squabble, but a lot of siblings end up liking each other as adults. So, if the squabbling is dragging you down. Take heart: all is not lost!
We have seven children which means that there are 21 relationships playing themselves out side by side in our home. I am not even factoring in the parents here! I do not pretend to have the corner on the ‘squabble resolving’ market and am more than open to suggestions, but I certainly have a good chunk of ‘dispute resolution’ experience on my CV!
The trouble with most squabbles is that they tend erupt at tricky times of the day. It is difficult to feel that we are exercising the wisdom of Solomon when the pasta is boiling over, the baby is screaming and two children have a bust up over a tiny brown piece of LEGO. I generally put the matter to rest in a split second whilst I am trying to accomplish a number of other tasks. It would be dishonest to say that I always pray before I step into the fray. The reality is that I have trained myself to react with certain specific actions (mechanically remove the toy and separate squabbling children until I have a moment to take a breath and get to the bottom of the situation). Nevertheless, every once in a while, it pays to spend some time reflecting on what God is teaching me through my children’s squabbles and how I can be better equipped to help them in their relationships with one another.
In the spirit of encouraging other battle-weary home educators-come-lawyers, here are a few verses that might help you to reflect on the disputes playing out under your roof…
1. ‘The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.’ (Luke 6:45)
The mother’s general reactions to her children’s squabbles are a good indicator of what is going on in her heart and mind. After all, the Lord says that ‘out of the abundance of the heart his [her] mouth speaks’. If I reflect over a number of days and realise that I have dealt with squabbles mostly out of anger or frustration, then this says much more about me then it does about my children. Squabble arbitration is part of the mother’s job spec and if I cannot rise to the challenge without frustration then there is a heart issue at stake (my heart).
Why do we react sinfully to our children’s sin? There could be a host of reasons. Perhaps we have not accepted the task that God has set us to minister peace to our children’s lives and see it is an intrusion into our ‘real work’. Perhaps exterior situations are eating us up and the slightest provocation from our children sends us over the edge. Perhaps we simply struggle with sinful anger. Whatever the reason, can I encourage you to see the struggle with sin in our own lives as warfare. We are wrestling against the spiritual forces of evil and this means hand-to-hand combat (Eph 6:12). The devil is a peace-stealer. He steals our children’s peace when they squabble and he will steal our peace if we continually react in an unglorious manner. Continual frustrated responses are a serious matter for prayer.
2. ‘A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.’ (Proverbs 15:1)
Do we expect our children to learn their times table without being taught? No child ever entered this world able to name the constellations, or recognise the seasons. In the same way, our children do not arrive knowing how to manage relationships. They are born in sin and are utterly self-absorbed from day one (it is a good thing they are so cute!) and as parents we do have to spend some time proactively teaching what the Bible says about how to manage relationships. One proverb I discovered that we have spent some time discussing is this: ‘A sweet answer turns away wrath and a harsh word stirs up anger’.
It is easy to apply this verse when we consider how often quarrels escalate. Child A unwittingly picks up child B’s pencil. Child B feels insulted and shouts at Child A. Child A takes offense and refuses to return the pencil. Child B throws something… and on…and on… and on!!! Every once in a while, I give a quick debrief of the classic spiral in major conflict. All it would take in this situation would be for one child to overlook the offense and give a soft answer. ‘It doesn’t matter’, ‘Could I have the pencil back when you are finished?’
3. ‘Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall be called sons of God.’ (Matthew 5:9)
Many minor disputes are resolved very quickly if one child decides to be a peace maker rather than escalating an argument. The issue is that most squabbles take place within the murky water of it not being truly clear who is in the wrong. It takes a peacemaker to be gracious, to overlook an offense and perhaps to think of a creative way of resolving the quarrel. I do not want my children to be doormats. I tell them that there will be some situations where they refuse to budge. Nevertheless, there are hundreds of opportunities a day to set the example in being a peacemaker by overlooking a minor injustice. A four-year old can be distracted with a different toy to the one she wants. We can lend a sibling a precious piece of property if they agree to give it back. Room can be made for a child who wants to join in the game. If I notice a child ‘being a peacemaker’ I do try to praise this and encourage them that they are taking to heart Jesus’s words.
Squabbling is a peace-stealer. It steals our children’s peace and it can steal our own peace if we do not guard our hearts. As Christian parents, we do not want to look like the world does when it comes to dealing with our professional squabblers. The world screams, yells and threatens when children bicker and argue. In my eyes, there is something God-honouring about a mother who is not fazed by her children’s squabbling (even when it is in public) but who deals with it in the calmness and authority of the Lord. If the petty squabbling of our children is bringing us down then let’s take heart that we stand in a long line of parents. If we fix our mind on Christ, we can be confident that he will keep his promise to us:
‘You will keep in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you.’
(Isaiah 26:3)
